Odom/Odom def. Myklebust/Leubner 6-2 6-7(3) 6-1

Last night Jason and I played our first doubles match against some guys who made almost as many mistakes as we did but nevertheless kicked our asses. See the above cartoon for details.

To a singles baseliner doubles feels like schizoid anime tennis or maybe epilepsy with equipment. Everything moves too fast, everywhere is three feet out of position, and every stroke is a reflex (which for me means that every ball is out or in the net) or a timid, self-doubting gaffe depriving both you and your partner of that inevitable jealous error by simply conceding the point uncontested. Because it requires both instantaneous response and intuitive knowledge of where you and your partner are now and need to be then, this rubix cube with rackets forces you to think nothing while somehow still having a plan. For the most part we thought everything and had no plan except to stop thinking and get a plan, which we obviously failed to do.

So what can I learn from this defeat that will keep me from repeating my mistakes when we play our next match--against a women's team, no less--and convert super-intellectual confusion to something more like dumbass bewilderment.

1. Stop trying to play doubles. You'll only embarrass yourself.
2. Instead, play singles with a partner. You're better at that.
3. Lob more. Players at our level rush the net too quickly and leave the backcourt open.
4. Lower, flatter returns, Koko.
5. If you're going to poach, do it. Don't pretend to poach and then move back into position, a dubious tactic that fakes out only your partner, who then misses the ball, not your opponent.
6. Less pace on the first serve; higher-percentage service. Serve down the T.
7. You're not a bad volleyer, just a slow and stupid one, so trust your form and stop acting like such a floof at net.
8. Cover the alley for down-the-line returns from the deuce court.
9. Open up the court using angles instead of pushing your opponent back using depth.
10. Come to play, not to work. Leave practice at practice.

Slothrop: Clearly you're wrong about both singles and doubles. What you need is triples, with Slothrop acting as the Holy Ghost of the trinity of incompetence.