Sunday, June 22, 2008

Euro something? Spain vs. Italy quarters 2008

Smart Boris: Those are a bunch of soccer players or something. So while watching a scoreless match for 130 minutes, I got to thinking about the limitations of this sport:

1. A team may dominate the game but lose it thanks to the impossibility of foot, ball, and netted rectangle interacting properly, a too, too common anticlimax leading to the unrelated but somehow decisive series of lone attackers kicking things at goalies in an ordered sequence. The means of deciding a winner is not unlike choosing the winner of a boxing match by letting one man hit the other as hard as he can, then reciprocating, and then repeating the process until one or the other man quits. Or judging the winner of a tennis match by who hits the most aces. Wouldn't a simple points system (a la boxing) solve this mess once and for all?

2. The definition of "foul" is not sufficiently clear.

3. The logical structure of soccer, as confirmed in my own experience as a sometime player and in my role as disinterested (and occasionally uninterested) sptectator, is accident-accident-opportunity. No sport should be two-thirds contingent.

4. Soccer players need to stop falling so much, holding their knees or shins or whatever, and then getting up after they realize no one cares.

5. Play it on clay.

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