Sport-Utility-Steeds and McPalaces

The Faerie knights rode forth into the lists,

To proue themselues in general melee;

But riuels found they nought for knightlie jists,

For each mans steed was tall as any tree,

That with his mortall port did ill agree;

And many there could neither mount aloft,

Nor leaping upright pass his horses knee;

Those fewe who menagèd were eftsoones doff’d,

So Artegall did frowne, whilst his companions scoft.

There euerie knight pursewd his steede in vaine,

And all aboute the fielde the coursers mill’d;

Nor kept they to the lists demarkèd playne,

But ouer-ranne the barriers as they will’d,

And trampled their owne masters, and them kill’d,

And ouer-rode each other with each passe,

And tripp’d, and slipp’d, and leapt, and roll’d, and spill’d,

As interwownd they fell vpon the grasse;

Thus like Medusas hayre they writh’d in mazie masse.

Amongst those steedes were some with dragons feet

And talents sharpe, but nothing fit to ryde;

And some with gyaunt thighes, that made them fleet,

But far too swift for mortals to abyde;

And some with backes too ample and too wyde,

As if for Sysiphus to beare his lode;

And some with lyons maynes and eagle-ey’d,

That knew themselues too regal for the goad,

Whose owners tangled in the reins them after tow’d.

What countree cloynes bee these (quoth Calidore),

Whose mounts bee so ill-fitted to their station?

Why play the birde who cannot leave the flore?

Nor can I weene what unknown Equine nation

Did breed such beasts ne’er nam’d at the Creation.

How fondly hee presumes to chivalry,

Who cannot ryde, nor winne his Dames ovation!

But see (sayd Artegall), each lady free

Doth shelter her beneath an outsiz’d canopee.

Then did his fellowes scanne the audiaunce,

And well perceiv’d that his report was true;

That matching to her loues ill chevisaunce,

Each ladie there did marre proportion due,

And uglynesse presented to the vewe;

For each did her aduance beyond her worth,

And in her vanitee her wealth did shewe,

And each did boast of castles and high birthe,

And each did style herselfe the blessèd of the Earth.

Then much did Guyon mourne that fruitlesse quest

Hee had persewèd in his Princesse name;

For euerywhere he look’d, both east and west,

Hee found the ruines of that goodlie frame,

That God did make for virtue and for fame.

What boots it (cryde hee) combat villaynes vyle,

Or witches cunning shew in naked shame,

If knights will follow vanitie each mile,

And dames will give themselves to lust in euerie ile?