2009 US Open

Re: the men's draw: a little funky how everyone except Coyote draws a fierce hardcourt specialist for the quarterfinals, or do you disbelieve statistics, dear Rosencrantz? I really don't understand why or how Del Potro and Murray end up in the same quarter, when they are the only two realistic contenders for the title besides Roger "I am Legend" Federer. Is it in the best interest of the Open to eliminate before the semifinals one of the only two players capable of upsetting tradition? Retarded. In other inexplicable news, Nadal draws Gasquet. . . in the first round?! Seriously, that's world-class BS, for both of those fine, no-cocaine inhaling (wink, wink) gentlemen. Was it only last year when in the first round Gasquet unexpectedly got wrecked by Tommy Haas?

Prediction: Coyote over Murray in four sets, one better than last year but no luck. While I would give anything to see Del Potro, who can win this thing, or Haas or Roddick, who can't, stun the whole chocolate mountain-masturbating world by denying Legacy Boy a Better-than-Bill-Tilden, I know it won't happen: Murray is not a closer and therefore gets Patel, not the good leads; the Argentine is still too young; Haas is way too old; and Andy is, well, Andy. Were he able, by some miracle, to beat Coyote in the semis, I'd back him over Murray or Del Potro. But he won't, because miracles are extensions of dumbass by other means. As for Nadal, I predict a sound thumping from Ferrer in the fourth round, or, if he survives his countryman (he won't), castration at the hands of Tsonga in the quarters.

Re: the women's draw: it still cracks me up to see Dinara Safina, who continues to suffer humiliation in Slam finals, seeded first. I hope she stays there forever, never winning anything. An all Serbian fourth round between Ivanovic and Jankovic could be interesting, except that Ana won't get there (because she sucks now). Besides, whoever, hypothetically, wins that match is going to get hammered by Safina.

Clijsters draws Venus Williams for the fourth round, and given Kim's more than adequate play since returning to tennis earlier this summer, I expect a fight. Anyone who dumped Lleyton Hewitt is okay by me.

The match to watch, though, will probably be Dementieva-Sharapova in the third round. Elena has been lean and mean all summer, and with her unstable service threatening to go critical, Sharapova may pull a Chernobyl if she gets knocked out before the quarters. Probably Dementieva will win in straights, and I want to watch that, because, one, she's cool, and, two, I've never seen a radiating, green Russian go all Incredible Hulk.

Prediction: Somebody black and American. Yuck. Which one? It doesn't matter. On the other hand, Dementieva moves well on fast courts and hits a hell of a hard, flat ball, and at Wimbledon she finally looked ready to win a Major, so who knows? She would have to play only one Williams, and that in the final. Anyway, for what it's worth: Serena Williams over Dementieva in three.

Play starts today, August 31.