1. Eat more salads. And fruits. And stop being a food pussy. After a binge on Michael Pollan’s books The Omnivore’s Dilemma, The Botany of Desire, and In Defense of Food, it was revealed that Slothrop’s was not a world of food. Turns out he has been eating either in indifference or in ignorance most of his days, and if it weren’t for his quaint hobby of running around in circles quickly and repetitively, he would now be less healthy than a really fat, syphilitic cow with one leg. Most upsetting was Slothrop’s discovery that he looked at food as a means to an end, a task to be dispensed with quickly. And this without even mentioning the complete ingratitude towards the sources of his own nutrition. This is the way of a cankermuffin, and Slothrop will try to be less of one in the coming days. Also, Slothy will never step into a supermarket ever again.
2. When not busy eating who-knows-what concocted by who-knows-what-chemical-chemical equation, Slothrop was busy not looking at things. Mostly moving around and not seeing anything deeply was Slothrop’s way in 2008. It was only towards the end of the latest 365 day cycle that Slothrop came to terms with his knee’s seemingly permanent explosion. And he began to find some peace in just walking--up the street for now, fine, but walking--and looking around. But as legions of Slothrop’s fans know, he’s a gadget man and with his latest toy he plans on practicing looking more deliberately and feeling the world around him with more sensitivity, creativity, openness and pleasure. If he sees anything good and manages not to put his finger in front of the lens, he’ll share his observed and captured treasures.
3. 2008 was a sartorial disaster for Slothrop. Imagine a sad clown that couldn’t afford a decent pair of red shoes: that was Slothrop minus the imagination required to be a sad clown. The obvious solution is to make passionate love with M.I.A.--three times a week should suffice-- and steal her clothes when she’s not wearing them. Should any progeny result, Slothy will make an excellent stay at home dad while Mom sings more songs while wearing golden heels and purple leopard tights.
4. When Chris Rock said books are like Kryptonite to a nigger, Slothrop felt equally implicated. Them shits be hard. But with more fortitude and a helmet, Slothy is ready to try reading again.
5. After ten years of learning and practicing the G chord, Slothy is finally ready to take his guitar playing to the next chord, which in this case would probably be the C major. Armed with a G and C, a song should manifest itself by year’s end. It will probably be about pussy.
6. At some point, Slothy will also stop being a dissertation pussy and try to write one.
7. Speaking of pussies, Slothrop will stop making fun of the Ass-Head. Arrogance will make way for humility, and Slothrop won’t make a peep, not a one, anytime the Ass-Head doesn’t write something because he’s too busy being a sourpuss or his poor-man’s-fantasy hoodlums strikeout yet again.
8. It should be clear by now that Slothrop will also watch much more Swedish Lesbian Porn.
9. Apollo is a pussy. Therefore Dionysius will rule Slothrop’s kingdom in 2009. Which means Slothy will travel to Big Bend and will see about the Ice-Fields Parkway in Canada and investigate more transcendent substances and have orgies on a small yacht in the South Pacific. Wine will be served with every meal.
10. The concept of time, too, is for plush pussies and so Slothrop is ridding himself of his watch. When he’s late to things or doesn’t show up, it’s because he’s with Dr. Cooper, not knowing what time is.
11. Injuries are good for becoming a pussy, instantaneously, at the stroke of midnight. Since there was not a single day in 2008 where Slothrop had full uninhibited use of both his long limbs, that means there was never a day in 2008 when Slothrop wasn't a pussy. So fuck that. One day this year Slothrop will once again trot like Bambi after she first learns how to walk.
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