Pretty in Pink

Boris: I tried, I really did, but I just can't take seriously the man who vacuumed a dead guy in Weekend at Bernie's. Even in this movie, playing the one sensitive rich kid in a whole high school of less sensitive but equally rich kids, Andrew McCarthy stinks of chumpiness. And while I'm on the subject, if Bernie died with wood and was therefore capable of postmortem nookie, why didn't he sport some sort of rooster throughout the flick, like when they went out to dinner or when they took him to the beach and had to rig that Monopoly-looking harness to his arm to get him to wave back at people? That's one grievous oversight. Think of the twenty minutes of haw-hawing when Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy go in search of duct tape in hopes that something sticky and gray will detumesce Bernie's member.

Ass-Headed Bottom: Fuckin' A, Boris, where are you finding these C-pictures? Did these just hit the theaters in the Belarussia or wherever you're from? Do you need me to sign you up for a trial Netflix membership? When I was a kid I had to be baby-sat--to a humiliatingly late age--at my neighbors'. They had a bonafide Beta-max, and a whole bunch of movies, all of which I watched at least ten times, except Weekend at Bernie's, which I only managed to sit through one-and-a-half times. True, there was some mighty competition--Young Frankenstein, The Empire Strikes Back, Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail--but there were also some miserable, unforgivable failures--Temple of Doom, Jewel of the Nile, Jewel of the Nile, Jewel of the Nile, Jewel of the Nile. And so on. But I only watched Weekend at Bernie's once. That's how bad it was. Ten times worse than fucking Jewel of the Nile. But Robin Hood: P***** of Thieves is probably a hundred times worse than that, so I repeat, Boris, do you need help with movie selection?