The Boondock Saints (1999)

Slothrop: Clownish, derivative, pornographic violence with nothing whatsoever to redeem it. No, not even "veritas" nor Willem DaFoe in a reprise of his Platoon crucifixion, nor Ron Jeremy in Elvis glasses getting a blow-job. I think I hated watching this movie as much as an old professor of mine hated Pulp Fiction, except that the latter is brilliant and thoughtful and allusive and entertaining whereas this mistake was silly. Where's Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg when you really, really need them? I blame The Wire for my hatred of stupidy. Which leads Slothrop to this important question: just how many films are now forever ruined because of the incomparable genius of that show?

Boris: Why! Why! Why! No, this is not acceptable! Willem Dafoe listening to Puccini on a Walkman as he solves the case of the crushed Russian is not okay. Multilingual meatpackers who wake up simultaneously and talk like illiterate bibles are not okay. Slow motion is not okay. This is the only movie I have ever seen that has nothing good in it whatsoever; it’s like a ninety minute tour of Stalin’s conscience. I mean, come on, even Temple of Doom had a Chinese midget. I hate The Boondock Saints even more than I hate "Barracuda," and God, how I hate that song!

Why, Slothrop, why did you tell me to watch it? Boris is not amused by that other Boris, the one named Ivan, the one who got squashed by a falling toilet.

And onion bagels? Fuck onion bagels! Fuck!

Slothrop: 597 "people" saw this atrocity and the average rating is 4 1/2 stars? Has the world gone crazy!!? Are Slothrop and Koko the only ones who give a shit about the rules? WOOOF!