11th Prufrock’s Cocks: Marlo is shamed for bringing a strutting rooster into our league. A former ballplayer himself, the Cock, turns out, knows little about little (studied under Morgan Ensberg) and even less about how to manage a baseball team. He likes benching Jose Reyes whenever Reyes hits multiple home runs or steals multiple bases, citing the moon’s waning crescent as inspiration for the strategic line-up adjustment. But baseball is not about numbers or know-how; no, in the long run it is about heart and courage and discipline and dedication. The Cock has shown none of these and is the league’s biggest wash-up and at such a young age. Let us go, then, Cock, into last place and stay there: it’s not worth it after all. D-
10th Stinky Pinkies: Last year’s second place team had the look of being another monster. And then the season started. “What are we gonna do today, Brain? Same thing we do every other year, Pinky, underperform!” Could sucking A-Rod’s cock all season long have something to do with it? Or maybe Jeter’s sizzling .271 reach-arounds? It’ll be sad to watch this year’s playoffs without you, Pinky, but I’m sure if you blast “Glory Days” and pop open a can of Beast you’ll be drunk pronto and forget this season ever happened. Even though there’s still three months left. D+
9th Matsuzaka’s Revenge: Matsuzaka has a powerhouse team (most home runs in the league, and tied for first in power-pitching saves) but it’s the summer-time and summer-time is for sleeping and making cucumber salad and being a hologram. Sad, seeing Hanley Ramirez wasting away like that, learning his hustle habits from the manager’s way of doing things. Plus, we never get to eat any of the culinary delights, which makes Matsuzaka doubly unsatisfying. D-
8th Fukudome? Fukudoyou!: Fukudome has the league’s third most number of moves made, which shows he’s trying really hard. Like the Cubs. Which is always cute. The bad news is that 11th place is not a sure-thing this year as there’s plenty competition from the other sad-sack pussy teams. But yet still, despite hiking peaks, rafting turbulent waters, circumnavigating the globe in snow-shoes and kayaks, Fukudome shows up everyday at the ballpark. He’s like Juan Pierre and that is why he’s in a league of men. B-
7th Chin Musicians: The Chins have rejected all 47 of Marlo’s trades claiming “Russell Martin can go 0-47 just fine in my lineup without your help and the heathen Josh Hamilton is no replacement for Saint Aubrey Huff.” Once the league’s shiny apple, the Chins continue to fall and bruise easily despite insisting that things aren’t always as they seem and his team record is actually 158-43. But most disconcerting is that in yester-year, the Chins were the life of the party and now the smack talk is barely audible. Perhaps it’s time for the young heirs to take over and show Pop how it’s done? C
6th Arch Stanton: The main problem with Archie’s team is that it’s entirely on crutches (fragile, very fragile). Archie did have the good sense of kicking his Sizemore habit, replacing it with the ultra-menacing Hunter Pence. But whenever things get really hard, truly grueling, he has Manny as team leader to motivate his troops to get out there, to play through the pain. Dan Haren, meanwhile, forgot how to pitch which makes him a slightly less effective pitcher. “Stanton is a playoff team, we’re built for the postseason” claimed Archie one night, high on horse tranquilizers and bourbon. I’ll have Miggy playing catcher, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, short, a few of the outfield spots and batting clean-up. Then watch what happens.” One thing Archie can’t be accused of, though, is corruption. “I have my guys picking apples, swimming in cold clean waters with dolphins, making our own wine, just happy to be alive. When we lose again like we do every year, I’ll remind my guys, ‘No whinging!’ That’s how we do it down here.” B
5th Selfless Foragers: A bureaucrat’s greatest trick is to make others think he’s necessary. With all sorts of pebbles being shuffled about, hither and tither, something productive surely must be going on. But look closer. Cliff Pennington and his bruising 3 HRs? Adam Lind and his feisty .218 average? Put to shame by Coco Crisp’s .227, true. This is not a castle of sugar but one of mediocrity, built brick by brick with startling efficiency. But the office is run on pitching, cries the Queen. Not enough. Because for every Felix and Santana there’s a Baker and a staff with the fewest wins and strikeouts and a mediocre just about everything else. Which is unsurprising and completely part of the plan, we’re told. But the current standings show the Ants out of the playoffs and gathering berries to last them for the long winter. And yet uninspired efficiency has its way, sometimes; nay, all too often in this cold world of ours. So should the ants scuttle their way into the playoffs, Marlo would give his left nut to be the team that welcomes them. C
4th I’m a Werewolf Baby!: Adam Wainwright is the only excellent player on Wolf’s entire team. Evidence? Ryan Bruan will have half the stats Hamilton will at season’s end. Phil Hughes is exploding. So is Jaime “I’m a mid-level relief pitcher for godssake” Garcia. Carlos Pena is hitting .213. Teixeira wishes he had Adrain Gonzalez’s numbers. Beltre will soon wake up and remember he is Adrian Beltre. Jeff Niemann? Jeff Niemann’s good, so there’s always that. Plus, with Wolf at the helm, you can always count on him rejecting every trade that would help his club. It is as Auden wrote: “We would rather be ruined than changed/ we would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the moment / And let our illusions die.” So whaddaya say, Wolfie? Valverde for Chris Young? B-
3rd Ass-Clowns: The Ass Clowns are like a roulette wheel: a formidable pitching staff (black) but a lineup made of wilting-strike-out daisies (red): you can get one or the other, but you can never get good results from both. This kind of uncertainty is closer to erectile disfunction than a description of a championship team. Also problematic: Strasburg will be shut down around early September (assuming an average of six innings per his next ten starts) just in time for the Noses playoffs. And how well will Greinke be pitching then, with the Royals discombobulating during every one of his starts? The Ass-clown, a most gracious and honorable man who uses Omar Little as his figurehead, forgets that Omar gets killed by the unbearable weight of his own legend. C+
2nd Marlo: Marlo is hardly vain enough to assess his team in front of a bunch of ignorant-punk-ass-trifling-hoppers. But perhaps it bears repeating: Marlo’s name is his Name and so is the Gus Triandos Trophy.
1st Shylock: The league’s most dishonest team and therefore the one that is most treacherous and most deserving of the lowest circles of Noses Hell. The subterfuge is impressive, so let’s use Ubaldo as a case study: in his ballooning last six starts, he has an ERA of 6.38! His win record during those starts? 2-0, a profound deception indeed. And so it is with the rest of this team of usurers, held together by nothing but magic and duct tape--Sorry Vlady, you’ve been a pal to Marlo many a-year, but when your fragile skeleton collapses sometime in the next few weeks, and Shylock’s entire offensive with it, know that you were a trooper and will always be fondly remembered. Is that a squeak I hear? Joe Mauer? Your MVP trophy is making it hard to notice all 4 of your home runs this season. Corey Hart? Get a haircut, you redneck. Madison Bumgarner? Exactly. And so, as all the Noses in the land know, it is better to be an asshole than a confidence man, and Shylock is both. At least we all know how the play ends. F
Koko: Although I have no idea who any of these baseball players are or how a simulated team can be "dishonest," I enjoyed this post even more than I did waking up on the couch a little after midnight to find Shuriken tucked under my arm--how he got there, and when, I don't know. And I enjoyed that plenty.
Hologram! Why didn't I think of that?
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